My Key Highlights from Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain

In Western countries, we are urged to develop an extroverted personality to outshine others and achieve success. We are also made to believe that becoming extroverted can help us be better people by sharing our gifts with others more easily.

At work, extroverted leaders enhance group performance when employees are passive whereas introverted leaders are more effective with proactive employees. This is because introverts tend to be good at leading initiative-takers due to their inclination to listen to others and their lack of interest in dominating social situations. Extroverts, on the other hand, can be so inept in putting their stamp on events that they risk losing their team’s good ideas, allowing them to lapse into passivity.

When Collaboration Kills Creativity

Introverts prefer to work independently, and solitude can be a catalyst for innovation. Introversion concentrates the mind on the tasks at hand and prevents wasting energy on social and sexual matters unrelated to work.

While extroverts tend to attain leadership in public domains, introverts tend to attain leadership in theoretical and aesthetic fields. Outstanding introvert leaders who have either created new fields of thought or rearranged existing knowledge have spent long periods of their lives in solitude. Hence, leadership does not only apply in social situations but also occurs in more solitary situations such as developing new techniques in the arts, creating new philosophies, writing profound books and making scientific breakthroughs.

Studies have shown that performance gets worse as group size increases: groups of nine generate fewer and poorer ideas compared to groups of six, which do worse than groups of four. As such, "evidence suggests that business people must be insane to use brainstorming groups", writes the organisational psychologist Adrian Furnham. He also suggests that talented and motivated people should be encouraged to work alone when creativity or efficiency is the highest priority.
Online brainstorming, however, is an exception to this rule - groups brainstorming electronically were found to do better than individuals, and the larger the group, the better it performs! The same is true for academic research - professors who work electronically from different locations tend to produce research that is more influential than those working alone or collaborating face-to-face.

Is Temperament Destiny? Introverts vs Extroverts

Psychologists often discuss the difference between “temperament” (inborn, biologically based behavioural and emotional patterns) and “personality” (a complex brew that emerges after cultural influence and personal experience). Some say that temperament is the foundation, and the personality is the building.

Low-reactive, extroverted children, if raised by attentive families in safe environments, can grow up to be energetic achievers with big personalities - the Richard Bransons and Oprahs of this world. But give those same children negligent caregivers or a bad neighbourhood and they can turn into bullies, juvenile delinquents, or criminals.

High-reactive kids who enjoy good parenting, child care, and a stable home environment tend to have fewer emotional problems and more social skills than their lower-reactive peers, studies show. Often they are exceedingly emphatic, caring, and cooperative. They work well with others, are kind, conscientious, and easily disturbed by cruelty, injustice, and irresponsibility. They are successful at the things that matter to them. They are also more likely to develop into artists, writers, scientists, and thinkers because their aversion to novelty causes them to spend time inside the familiar - and intellectually fertile - environment of their own heads.

High-reactive kids are especially vulnerable to challenges like marital tensions, a parent’s death, or abuse. They are more likely than their peers to react to these events with depression, anxiety, and shyness.

Highly sensitive people (introverts) tend to be keen observers who look before they leap. They arrange their lives in ways that limit surprises and are often sensitive to sights, sounds, smells, pain, and even coffee. They have difficulty when being observed (e.g. at work) or judged for general worthiness (dating, job interviews, etc). They also tend to be philosophical or spiritual in their orientation, rather than materialistic or hedonistic. They dislike small talk and often describe themselves as creative or intuitive. They dream vividly and can often recall their dreams the next day. They love music, art, and physical beauty and feel exceptionally strong emotions.

It is thought that sensitive people are bored by small talk because they think in more complicated ways - as such, talking about the weather or where they went for the holidays is not quite as interesting as talking about values or morality.

Moreover, they are highly empathic and tend to have unusually strong consciences. They avoid violent movies and TV shows, and in social settings often focus on subjects like personal problems, which others consider too heavy.

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A reward-sensitive person is highly motivated to seek rewards, be it a promotion or a lottery jackpot on an enjoyable evening out with friends. Reward sensitivity motivates them to pursue goals like sex, money, social status, and influence. Reward sensitivity on overdrive gets people into all kinds of trouble as they can take outsized risks and ignore obvious warning signals.

Extroverted people were observed to be more reward-sensitive, while introverts are more likely to pay attention to warning signals. They are more successful at regulating their feelings of desire or excitement and protect themselves better from the downside. Introverts are much better at making a plan, staying with that plan, and being disciplined with it.

Just as the amygdala of a high-reactive person is more sensitive than average to novelty, so do extroverts seem to be more sensitive than introverts to reward-seeking cravings. Scientists are starting to explore the idea that reward sensitivity is what makes a person to be an extrovert. They have been found to have greater economic, political, and hedonistic ambitions than introverts, even their sociability is a function of reward sensitivity. According to this view - extroverts socialise because human connection is inherently gratifying.

Extroverts seem to experience more positive emotion, pleasure and excitement than introverts do. They often find themselves in an emotional state we might call “buzz”- a rush of energised, enthusiastic feeling - from the pursuit and attainment of their goals. Introverts might still pursue goals and activities that drive excitement but they just do not buzz so easily.

Extroverts are quite lucky actually - buzz fires us up to work and play hard, and gives us the courage to take chances. But it has its downsides too - a lot of antisocial and self-defeating behaviour results from people who amplify positive emotions. Buzz can also cause us to ignore warning signs we should be heeding. The same buzz also explains why extroverts tend to be overconfident.

Introverts seem to be better than extroverts at delaying gratification, a crucial life skill associated with everything from higher SAT scores and income to lower body mass index - but extroverts want things here and now.

Another interesting thing is that extroverts think less, act faster, and are geared to respond, whereas introverts are geared to inspect. Because extroverts focus on achieving their goals, they don’t want anything to get in their way and so they speed up to respond in an attempt to knock any roadblocks down.

Introverts are not smarter than extroverts, according to IQ scores. On many kinds of tasks, particularly those that need to be done under time or social pressure or involving multitasking, extroverts do better. However, introverts seem to think more carefully than extroverts. Extroverts are more likely to take a quick-and-dirty approach to problem-solving, trading accuracy for speed, making an increasing number of mistakes as they go, and abandoning the ship altogether when the problem seems too difficult or frustrating. Introverts think before they act, digest information thoroughly, stay on task longer, give up less easily, and work more accurately.

Introverts and extroverts also direct their attention differently: if you leave them to their own devices, introverts tend to sit around wondering about things, imagining things, recalling events from their past and making plans for the future. The extroverts are more likely to focus on what’s happening around them.

If you’re a buzz-prone extrovert, then you’re lucky to enjoy lots of invigorating emotions and hopefully make good use of them - e.g. start a company, launch a website, or build an elaborate tree house for your kids. But be aware that you’re operating with an Achilles’ heel that you must protect. Train yourself to spend energy on what’s really important and meaningful instead of on activities that look like they’ll deliver a quick buzz of money, status, or excitement.

If you want to determine whether you are reward-oriented, threat-oriented, or both, try asking yourself whether the following groups of statements are true of you:

If you’re reward-oriented:

• When I get something I want, I feel excited and energised

• When I want something, I usually go all out to get it

• When I see an opportunity for something I like, I get excited right away

• When good things happen to me, it affects me strongly

• I have very few fears compared to my friends

If you’re threat-oriented:

• Criticism or scolding hurts me quite a bit

• I feel pretty worried or upset when I think if know somebody is angry at me

• If I think something unpleasant is going to happen, I usually get pretty worked up

• I feel worried when I think I have done poorly at something important

• I worry about making mistakes

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Findings suggest that introverts like people they meet in friendly contexts, whereas extroverts prefer those they compete with.

Moreover, a different study, in which robots interacted with stroke patients during physical rehabilitation exercises, showed that introverted patients responded better and interacted longer with robots that were designed to speak in a soothing, gentle manner: “I know it is hard, but remember that it’s for your own good”. Extroverted patients, on the other hand, worked harder for robots that used more bracing, and aggressive language, such as: “You can do more than that, I know it”.

Another interesting finding from some anger studies was that venting doesn’t soothe anger; it fuels it. As such, we’re best off when we don’t allow ourselves to go to our angry place - instead, take a deep breath or a ten-minute break and ask yourself whether the thing that is making you angry is really that important.

What is more, studies have shown that introvert pairs tend to focus on one or two serious subjects of conversation whereas extrovert pairs tend to choose lighter-hearted and wide-ranging topics. Introverts often discuss problems or conflicts in their lives such as school, work, friendships, and so on. The extroverts, by contrast, are more likely to offer casual information about themselves that establishes commonality with the other person.

Interestingly, introverts talking to extroverts tend to choose cheerier topics and describe their conversations as a breath of fresh air. In contrast, extroverts may feel that they can relax more with introverted partners and be freer to confide their problems, without feeling pressured to appear upbeat.

Introverts were also found to be more likely than extroverts to express intimate facts about themselves online that their family and friends would be surprised to read. The same person who would never raise a hand in a lecture hall of two hundred people might blog to two thousand, or two million, without thinking twice. Similarly, the same person who finds it difficult to introduce himself to strangers might establish a presence online and then extend these relationships into the real world.

Flow State

The Flow state is an optimal state in which you feel totally engaged in an activity - whether long-distance swimming, songwriting, or sumo wrestling. In a state of flow, you’re neither bored nor anxious, and you don’t question your own adequacy. Hours pass without you noticing.

The key to flow is to pursue an activity for its own sake, not for the reward it brings. Although flow does not depend on being an introvert or extrovert, many of the flow experiences are about solitary pursuits that have nothing to do with reward-seeking: reading, tending an orchard, or solo ocean cruising.

Flow often occurs in conditions in which people become independent of the social environment to the degree that they no longer respond exclusively in terms of its rewards and punishments. In a flow state, a person could work around the clock for days on end, for no better reason than to keep on working. To achieve such autonomy, a person has to learn to provide rewards to herself/himself.

If you're an introvert, lean into your natural strengths to find your flow. You have a gift for persistence, a knack for solving complex problems, and the clarity to avoid traps that might trip up others. You're also less tempted by superficial rewards like money and status, which frees you to focus on what truly matters. The real challenge might be fully embracing these strengths. You might feel pressured to act like an energetic, reward-chasing extrovert, which can lead you to undervalue your own abilities or feel overlooked by others. But when you're working on something you care about, you'll likely find that your energy is boundless.

So, embrace your true nature and if you prefer a slow and steady pace, don't let anyone rush you. If you love diving deep into a subject, don't force yourself to spread thin. If you thrive by focusing on one task at a time, stick with it—multitasking isn't for everyone.

Soft Power

Soft power is a form of influence that introverts often excel at - it’s the ability to persuade, lead, and impact others through subtle, non-coercive means rather than forceful, direct approaches typically associated with traditional forms of power.

Introverts are often naturally skilled at soft power because they tend to be good listeners, empathetic, and thoughtful in their communication. They don't dominate conversations but create space for others to express themselves, which fosters deeper connections and trust. This style of influence is less about commanding attention and more about building relationships and influencing through quiet strength, understanding, and cooperation.

Moreover, this reflective nature of introverts allows them to think deeply about issues, leading to well-considered decisions and strategies that can have a significant impact. By leveraging their natural inclinations towards patience, listening, and thoughtfulness, introverts can effectively lead and inspire others in ways that are often underappreciated in Western Cultures, where loud, charismatic leadership is valued most.

Quiet Persistence

Introverts often possess a deep sense of focus, determination, and the ability to work diligently over long periods without needing constant external validation or recognition. This quiet persistence allows them to tackle complex problems, innovate, and achieve success in their own way, often without the loud, attention-grabbing approaches that are more typical of extroverts.

Introverts' preference for solitude and deep thought can lead to sustained effort on tasks and projects they care about, often resulting in significant contributions in areas like research, arts, and science. Rather than being swayed by external pressures or distractions, introverts are more likely to remain dedicated to their goals, which can make their achievements all the more impactful.

Core Personal Projects

Having a Core Personal Project in life is an essential part of living a fulfilling life, particularly for introverts.

Introverts often find deep satisfaction and meaning in pursuing a personal passion or project that aligns with their inner values and interests. This Core Personal Project can be something that allows them to work independently, deeply, and with focus, which suits their introverted temperament. Unlike more social pursuits that may drain an introvert's energy, working on a Core Personal Project can be energising and fulfilling, and give people a sense of purpose and direction. It can help people navigate the world in a way that is true to them, and provide a meaningful context in which they can express their creativity and intellect. For introverts especially, these projects are crucial as they allow them to contribute to the world in a way that is authentic and sustainable.

As such, finding and dedicating oneself to a Core Personal Project can lead to greater personal satisfaction and a stronger sense of identity, especially for those who might feel out of place in a society that often values extroverted qualities.

3 Key Steps to Identifying Your Own Core Personal Projects:

1. Think back to what you loved to do when you were a child - how did you answer when people asked what you wanted to do when you grew up? Chances are that the answer you gave back then was way off the mark, but the underlying impulse was not. For example, if you wanted to be a fireman, what did a fireman mean to you (e.g. a good man who rescued people in distress, a daredevil)? You may have known more about who you were then than you do now.

2. Pay attention to the work you gravitate to and what tasks and problems you are open to putting your hands on even if you do not get paid for them.

3. Pay attention to what you envy. Jealously is an ugly emotion, but it tells the truth. You mostly envy those who have what you desire.

When Should You Act More Extroverted Than You Really Are? - Free Trait Theory

It has been admitted that personality traits exist but they tend to occur in patterns. E.g some people may appear aggressive with their peers and subordinates but docile with authority figures, whereas others do just the opposite. Those people who are rejection-sensitive are warm and loving when they feel secure but become hostile and controlling when they feel rejected.

However, this compromise raises a variation of the problem of free will. We know that there are physiological limits on who we are and how we act but should we attempt to manipulate our behaviour when needed or should we stay true to ourselves at all times?

Free Trait Theory - is a theory that fixed traits and free traits coexist. According to this theory. we are born and culturally endowed with certain personality traits - such as introversion or extroversion - but we can do and act out of character in the service of our “Core Personal Projects”.

For example, introverts are capable of acting like extroverts when their work requires it, for the people they love, or anything they value highly. This Free Trait Theory applies in many different contexts but it’s especially relevant for introverts living under the Extrovert Ideal.

Our lives are dramatically enhanced when we’re involved in Core Personal Projects that we consider meaningful, manageable, and not unduly stressful, and that are supported by others.

When people are skilled at adopting free traits, it can be hard to believe that they are acting out of character. Many people, especially those in leadership roles, engage in a certain level of pretend extroversion. It is not uncommon for people in these roles to study others to learn how extroverted people behave in social situations and adjust their own persona when needed.

However, there is a limit to how much we can control our self-presentation, mainly due to a phenomenon called behavioural leakage, in which our true selves seep out via unconscious body language, such as a subtle look away at a moment when an extrovert would have made eye contact. But introverts who were found to be especially good at acting like extroverts tended to score high for a trait that psychologists call “self-monitoring”. Self-monitors are highly skilled at modifying their behaviour to the social demands of a situation. They look for cues to tell them how to act.

In contrast, low-monitors base their behaviour on their own internal compass. They have a smaller repertoire of social behaviours and masks at their disposal. They are also less sensitive to situational cues and are less interested in role-playing even if they know the cues.

If you want to know how strong a self-monitor you are, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• When you're uncertain how to act in a social situation, do you look to the behaviour of others for cues?

• In different situations and with different people, do you often act like very different people?

• Can you look someone in the eye and tell a lie with a straight face if for the right end?

• Do you put on a show to impress or entertain people?

• Do you find it easy to imitate other people?

• Do you sometimes appear to others to be experiencing deeper emotions than you actually are?

• Do you often seek the advice of your friends to choose movies, books or music?

• Do you ever deceive people by being friendly when really you dislike them?

The more times you answer “yes”, the more of a high-monitor you are. Now ask yourself these questions:

• Is your behaviour usually an expression of your true inner feelings, attitudes, and beliefs?

• Do you find that you can only argue for ideas that you already believe?

• Would you refuse to change your opinions or the way you do things, to please someone else or win their favour?

• Do you dislike games like charades or improvisational acting?

• Do you have trouble changing your behaviour to suit different people and different situations?

The more you answered “yes” here, the more of a low-monitor you are.
The Free Trait Strategy can be effective when used judiciously, but disastrous if overdone.

Restorative Niches

“Restorative Niches” is a term for the place you go when you want to return to your true self after acting out of character for a while.

It can be a physical place or a temporal one. It can even mean cancelling your social plans on the weekend before a big meeting at work, practising yoga or meditation, or choosing e-mail over an in-person meeting.

You choose a Restorative Niche when you close the door to your private office in between meetings. You can even create a Restorative Niche during a meeting, by selecting where you sit, and when and how you participate.

Introverted people should evaluate the presence or absence of Restorative Niches as carefully as considering the family leave policy or health insurance before accepting a new job offer. They should check whether they will have enough opportunities to spend time on in-character activities like, for example, reading, strategising, writing, and researching. If the job doesn’t provide enough Restorative Niches, will there be enough free time on evenings and weekends to grant them for themselves?

Extroverted people should also look for Restorative Niches and consider whether the job involves talking, travelling, and meeting new people as frequently as they desire.