Are You an Introvert? Here's When You Should Act Like an Extrovert
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Imagine yourself in a large group of people that you don't know that well. Maybe it's a networking event, maybe a work gathering or a party, where you know only a couple of individuals. The room buzzes with laughter, chatter, and clinking glasses. Someone approaches you with the look that you know too well by now and ask: "Hey, and why are you so quiet today?"
Your stomach drops and you think: "Here we go again..."
Other examples may include:
"Haven't heard much from you today - you should speak up more."
"It's hard to get to know you."
"Why are you so boring?"
If these words feel like something you had to respond to around a thousand times by now, you're not alone. And they probably made you believe that something must be fundamentally broken about you and you needed fixing.
I did too.
The Exhausting Double Life We Live
I want to confess. I'm not even fully convinced I'm an introvert, but I do prefer spending most of my time alone doing things I actually enjoy rather than making small talk or having vague conversations about things I'm not strongly passionate about. Of course, when I meet people occasionally I can easily turn on my extroversion switch and be loud, chatty, friendly, and gregarious even. Some people could never even guess that it's not my natural state.
But when I see the same people daily, the mask starts to slip. They'll notice I'd rather be left alone, that I focus more on doing something rather than having a small talks, and that I very rarely initiate any kind of conversation.
And you know what? I don't want to feel that it's a flaw anymore. That's just how some of us are wired.
Susan Cain in her book "Quiet" explainer that introverts can absolutely act like extroverts when it matters. When it's for work they care about, people they love, or causes they believe in. In fact, many leaders do this regularly - they slip on their extrovert costume like a suit they wear to important meetings.
The problem is that whilst some introverts find this switch easy, others feel like frauds. As if they're lying with every forced smile and animated conversation. Their moral compass screams that this performance is deceptive, wrong, inauthentic.
Neither response is right or wrong, but the hard trust is that many careers demand this extroverted performance. And in a world that worships it like it's a virtue and treats introversion like a character defect, you'll most likely need to fake it sometimes.
So the real question isn't if you should pretend, but when you should do it. And more importantly - for what.
When To Fake It
One valid reason to put on the extrovert mask is your core personal project.
Forget your boss's expectations, society's pressure, or people calling you boring and disengaged when you're around them.
Your core personal project is that something you deeply care about and believe you should do no matter what. That feeling in your chest that won't let you sleep at night. The work that feels like purpose rather than obligation. Think about your true calling, career, or something that will make you feel fulfilled and proud of yourself.
In the book “Quiet”, Susan outlines three steps to find yours:
Think about what you wanted to be when you were a child. If you wanted to be, say, a firefighter, then what did a firefighter mean to you? A good man who rescues people? A daredevil? Or maybe you were more excited about operating a truck? You may have known more about who you were back then than you do now.
What kind of work are you gravitating towards? Do you ever volunteer to do something specific or spend extra time to research something out of pure pleasure?
Pay attention to what makes you envy. We tend to be jealous when others have what we desire to have. You may have a great job at a prestigious company, but feel envious of your friend who has a meaningful and fulfilling job at a non-profit that tackles problems that are close to your heart.
When you're working toward something you genuinely believe in, acting extroverted becomes bearable. This is because you feel motivated to act out of character to achieve your goals. It feels like a tool rather than a self-betrayal.
Without your core personal project, however, faking extroversion will be exhausting for you and feel like you're nearing self-destruction. Just imagine living a life you don’t like trying to achieve the things you don’t care about because that’s what you think others expect of you. It doesn’t paint a good picture, but many of us may find ourselves doing it to fit in.
Your Emergency Exit - The Restorative Niche
Even when you're on a mission to fulfil your core personal project, you can't expect to successfully play the extrovert forever. If you feel the need to act out of character too frequently without having enough time to recharge, you'll experience burnout.
You need to secure what Susan calls a "restorative niche! - a place/time where you can comfortable take off the mask and be fully yourself. It can be a physical place, somewhere where you can go and do the things that make you feel at ease. If not possible, try to get regular breaks in between the tasks that require you to act out of character, such as breaks between meetings/calls.
When possible, you should also evaluate whether there are any restorative niches at the company before accepting a new job offer. Think whether your job will allow you to spend some time on activities that are more in character, such as reading, writing, researching, strategising, etc. If not, then think about whether you'll have enough free time to do these things after work.
Remember this: the right job isn't just about what you do during work hours. It's about whether it leaves enough of you intact to keep doing it.
To Close This Off
Being an introvert in an extrovert's world means you'll sometimes need to pretend, and that's (probably) okay. The important thing is that you do this strategically. If you really must, then pretend for something that matters. Your performance should be worthwhile.
And whatever you do, don't pretend so long that you forget who you truly are at your core, because you are not broken and you don't need fixing.
