The Introvert's Guide to Acting Out of Character

Photo by Julian Schropel (Unsplash) - edited

You don't have to become someone else. But sometimes, it's worth stepping outside your comfort zone for something that truly matters.

Imagine yourself in a large group of people that you don't know that well. Maybe it's a networking event, maybe a work gathering or a party, where you know only a couple of individuals. The room buzzes with laughter, chatter, and clinking glasses. Someone approaches you with a look you know all too well and asks: "Hey, and why are you so quiet today?"

Your stomach drops and you think: "Here we go again..."

Other examples may include:
"Haven't heard much from you today - you should speak up more."
"It's hard to get to know you."
"Why are you so boring?"

If these words feel like something you've had to respond to around a thousand times by now, you're not alone. And they probably made you believe that something must be fundamentally wrong about you and that you needed fixing. Maybe they even made you feel less capable, less interesting, maybe even less worthy of something.

For years, I believed this story, too. But although introverts have their own strengths and superpowers, there are still moments when acting a little more extroverted is the right thing to do.

The exhausting double life

I'm not actually entirely convinced I'm an introvert. I enjoy meeting interesting people and can be loud, energetic, and sociable when I feel that I vibe with them. In fact, if you met me at a dinner party, after a drink or two, you'd probably assume that I'm the most sociable and extroverted person on the planet. This is what people tell me anyway.

But when I start seeing the same people daily, the mask starts to slip. They'll notice I'd rather be left alone, that I focus more on doing something rather than having small talk, and that I very rarely initiate any kind of conversation unless I need to say something. Most importantly, if I have to choose between a social event or a hobby that I can do alone, I'd almost always choose the latter and be happy about it.

So while I enjoy deep conversations and being around interesting people very much, I won't choose to be around people just for the sake of it. Thus I must be an introvert, right?

Susan Cain explains in "Quiet" that introverts are perfectly capable of acting like extroverts when it matters. When it's for work they care about, people they love, or causes they believe in. Many leaders, teachers, entrepreneurs, and performers do this regularly - they adopt behaviours that don't come naturally because they're serving something more important than their own comfort.

The problem is that while some introverts find this switch easy, others feel like frauds. As if they're lying with every forced smile and small talk. Their moral compass screams that this performance is deceptive, wrong, inauthentic.

But acting extroverted when you are not doesn't make you fake or dishonest. Choosing extroverted behaviour isn't any more fake than choosing kindness when you're frustrated, or remaining polite to someone you don't particularly like. You're simply choosing the behaviour that best serves the situation.

And yet, many introverts still struggle with this idea. And the fact that many careers expect extroversion because it makes you seem more likeable and a better team player only makes things worse. It feels like a different kind of performance.

But while work might not feel like a place where introverts are happy to fake extroversion, there is one situation where you'll want to act out of character. And there's a clear when and for what.

Your core personal project

Susan Cain argues that acting out of character becomes sustainable when it's in service of what she calls your core personal project.

Forget your boss's expectations, society's pressure, or people calling you boring and disengaged when you're around them.

Your core personal project is something you care about deeply. It might be the work that is very meaningful to you, the goal you keep coming back to, or the problem you want to solve no matter what. You know that feeling in your chest that won't let you sleep at night - the thing that feels more like purpose or a true calling than an obligation.

When you're pursuing something you truly care about, something in your personality shifts. Your sense of purpose guides you. You don't care about your comfort that much anymore. Comfort is still nice to have, of course, but it stops being your priority. If you feel you're the only person with a mission to make something happen, you won't let your introversion stop you - you'll talk with whoever you need to talk to, you'll show up in whatever way you need to show up to spread the message, you'll make yourself visible, even if it feels awkward, to ensure you give your core personal project a chance to succeed.

So how can you find yours?

Susan suggests asking yourself three questions.

And I think they're worth answering even if you don't consider yourself an introvert, because they're really just questions about what kind of life you're trying to build (although I doubt many extroverts are reading this).

What fascinated you as a child?

Think about what you wanted to be when you were a child. If you wanted to be, say, a firefighter, then what did a firefighter mean to you? A good man who rescues people? A daredevil? Or maybe you were more excited about driving a huge truck? You may have known more about who you were back then than you do now.

What do you naturally gravitate towards?

Do you ever volunteer to do something specific or spend extra time researching something out of pure pleasure? Are there any rabbit holes you disappear down simply because you're a little too curious about something?

What makes you envious?

Pay attention to what makes you envious. We tend to feel envy when others have what we desire to have. You may have a great job at a prestigious company, but feel envious of your friend who has a meaningful and fulfilling job at a non-profit that tackles problems that are close to your heart.

When you're working toward something you deeply believe in, acting extroverted no longer feels like betraying yourself. It feels like investing in something that matters. You start viewing it as a tool you use to get to where you want to be.

Without that deeper purpose, however, constantly forcing yourself to be outgoing and extroverted becomes exhausting. Just imagine living a life you don’t like, trying to achieve the things you don’t care about, behaving in a way that's not really you, just because that’s what you think others expect of you. Many of us spend years doing exactly that, because fitting in slowly became more important than asking what we actually wanted.

You'll still need an emergency exit - your restorative niche

Even when you're on a mission to fulfil your core personal project, you can't expect to successfully play the extrovert forever. Stretching outside your personality takes energy, and it's very finite. If you feel the need to act out of character too frequently without having enough time to recharge, you'll eventually experience burnout.

Eventually, you need somewhere to recover.

Susan Cain calls this a restorative niche - a place or period of time where you can stop performing and simply be yourself again.

For some it's reading. For others, it's writing, gardening, painting, hiking, or spending time at home alone.

It can be a physical place, somewhere where you can go and do the things that make you feel at ease. If that's not possible, try to get regular breaks in between the tasks that require you to act out of character, such as breaks between meetings/calls.

Whatever shape it takes, it has to be the place where you no longer have to manage how you come across.

It's also worth considering restorative niches when choosing a job.

Will your role give you uninterrupted time to think, write, research, design, or solve problems? If not, then think about whether you'll have enough free time to do these things after work.

The right job isn't just about what you do during work hours. It's about whether it leaves enough of you intact to keep doing it.

Ironically, the less meaningful your work feels, the more important your restorative niche becomes. If your job constantly asks you to act against your nature without giving you a reason that feels worthwhile, you'll eventually run out of energy.

Stretch yourself for something worthwhile

Living in an extrovert-friendly world means you'll probably need to step outside your comfort zone from time to time. And that's okay. The important thing is that you do this intentionally. Be aware when you're doing it so you know when it's time to restore your sanity levels.

Stretch yourself for work you believe in. For people you love. For ideas that matter.

Don't stretch yourself just to meet someone else's idea of who you should be.

And when the day's over, take off the mask, retreat to your restorative niche, and remember this: there was never anything wrong with being the quiet one. Just don't spend your life stretching for things that don't matter to you.